Parenting Parents at a Distance
Yesterday there was an article in USA Weekend on "Long Distance Care", or parenting aging parents from a distance. After reading the article, I am even more grateful for the steps my parents have taken as they've gotten older.
Although my parents are still very active (they travel worldwide numerous time a year, dad still works full-time, and mom still does tons of volunteer activities), they realize that they are getting older. A few years ago, they made the decision that they were going to make sure that they did not burden their children with having to care for elderly parents.
So despite still being able to do absolutely everything themselves, my parents sold their house and move in to an independent living home in a continuing-care community. They live completely on their own, with no food, nursing, or other services provided by the community. But by moving their now, they have ensured their place in higher levels of care if they need them as they get older. The community offers assisted living, nursing care, alzheimer's care, and hospice. It is a full range of services.
My parents took the attitude in raising their kids that the goal was to raise successful children who would leave the nest. They wanted us to always be free to move as we wanted and to have whatever careers we wanted. They wanted us to grow in to married adults who put their focus on themselves raising successful children, rather than caring for aging parents.
A friend of mine recently had to move her father to a nursing home. She talks about how difficult the whole process was. I told her about how my parents had already move to a continuing care community so that we kids would not have to handle it. She told me that my parents had given us an incredible blessing.
I agree.
I appreciate everything my parents have done for me in my life. We continue to be very involved with them, even from a distance. But I know that should any health issue arise, there are people there who can help take care of them. I can be there for them as I am able, but I will never be forced to choose between my parents and my children.
Because frankly if my parents (or anyone else) were to ask me to choose between them and my children, they would be very disappointed. My children will always come first.
So thank you, mom and dad, for understanding that my focus must be on my own children. And thank you to my friend who helped me really bring in to focus how much of a blessing my parents have been through this process.
Okay, I still wish they would move down here and be closer to the boys. But I know that even if they ever did that, they would insist on moving to another continuing care community.
Although my parents are still very active (they travel worldwide numerous time a year, dad still works full-time, and mom still does tons of volunteer activities), they realize that they are getting older. A few years ago, they made the decision that they were going to make sure that they did not burden their children with having to care for elderly parents.
So despite still being able to do absolutely everything themselves, my parents sold their house and move in to an independent living home in a continuing-care community. They live completely on their own, with no food, nursing, or other services provided by the community. But by moving their now, they have ensured their place in higher levels of care if they need them as they get older. The community offers assisted living, nursing care, alzheimer's care, and hospice. It is a full range of services.
My parents took the attitude in raising their kids that the goal was to raise successful children who would leave the nest. They wanted us to always be free to move as we wanted and to have whatever careers we wanted. They wanted us to grow in to married adults who put their focus on themselves raising successful children, rather than caring for aging parents.
A friend of mine recently had to move her father to a nursing home. She talks about how difficult the whole process was. I told her about how my parents had already move to a continuing care community so that we kids would not have to handle it. She told me that my parents had given us an incredible blessing.
I agree.
I appreciate everything my parents have done for me in my life. We continue to be very involved with them, even from a distance. But I know that should any health issue arise, there are people there who can help take care of them. I can be there for them as I am able, but I will never be forced to choose between my parents and my children.
Because frankly if my parents (or anyone else) were to ask me to choose between them and my children, they would be very disappointed. My children will always come first.
So thank you, mom and dad, for understanding that my focus must be on my own children. And thank you to my friend who helped me really bring in to focus how much of a blessing my parents have been through this process.
Okay, I still wish they would move down here and be closer to the boys. But I know that even if they ever did that, they would insist on moving to another continuing care community.
posted by Susan | 4:32 PM
3 Comments:
You are very lucky! My mom had helped her mom take care of my grandfather until the day he died (at home)then 3 months later my grandmother had a stroke so now she is taking care of her. Both grandparents really wanted to be able to die in their own home and my mother is determined they will both get what they want. It's hard on her and now I'm not there to help. Your parents were very thoughtful.
My mom went through a lot like that too. Her oldest brother (22 years older) was a widow. He lived at home until about a year before he died. My mom was the primary one responsible for cleaning out his [huge] house and selling it.
Then another brother who was a widow with no kids got to the point he needed to be in full nursing care. So she had to find a place for him, move him there from his house where he had been for decades, and manage his care. When he died, she had to plan his funeral and again take care of emptying his house and selling it.
I can't begin to tell you what a stressful time this all was for my mom. She vowed she would never make her kids go through all that. She is probably the least selfish person I know!
I totally agree. I am so grateful that my grandmother can afford assisted living, because she and my grandfather managed their money carefully. I know so many families where assisted living is not an option (and, of course, Medicaid only pays for nursing home care).
nmitford
Post a Comment
<< Home